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I was raped
when I was 25 years old. For a long time, I spoke about
the rape on an intellectual level, as though it was something
that happened to someone else. I was very aware that it
had happened to me, but there just was no feeling. I kind
of skidded along for a while.
"I started
having flashbacks. They kind of came over me like a splash
of water. I would be terrified. Suddenly I was reliving
the rape. Every instant was startling. I felt like my
entire head was moving a bit, shaking, but that wasn't
so at all. I would get very flushed or a very dry mouth
and my breathing changed. I was held in suspension. I
wasn't aware of the cushion on the chair that I was sitting
in or that my arm was touching a piece of furniture. I
was in a bubble, just kind of floating. And it was scary.
Having a flashback can wring you out. You're really shaken.
"The rape happened
the week before Christmas, and I feel like a werewolf
around the anniversary date. I can't believe the transformation
into anxiety and fear."
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